May 21, 2009

are you really laughing with me?

I don't know how to deal with people who feel, in spite of themselves, a need to be nice in order to be nice.

I'm not saying that I'm so self-centred that I cannot emphathise with other people and cannot begin to take care of other people's feelings. Maybe I am, really. But noone has told to my face that I am such a self-centred bitch. So, I take it that I'm not that overbearing.

But the kind I'm talking about here is the kind who would behave like they don't mind and they are, it seems, enjoying your jokes all the time when inside, they totally disagree with you or are irritated with you for being so forthright. I cannot use the word 'hypocritical' because I believe hypocrites are hypocrites because of a hidden agenda. But the kind I'm talking about, is the kind who, somehow, has been injected with the 'Be nice' gene, even with no reason to.

I'm opinionated, I am. I can never and will never deny this. I may not be the best member in the debate team, nor anywhere as eloquent as a lawyer. But I have my opinions and I don't have much inhibitions in letting them be known. Still, I know where to draw my line. I can respect others' feelings and I can respect differences. I don't intentionally say things to hurt people, degrade people, undermine people or expect others to be in line with me.

I use sarcasm for humour effect, sometimes on people whom I think are deserving (in a bad or good way) of it. But the important thing, I think, is that I don't expect the whole world to agree with me and what I think.

You are free to disagree. Or if it struck too close to any nerves, too close to home, then just tell me to stop. Or roll your eyes. I can read body language, thank you very much.

Do anything, say anything to get me to stop. Just don't pretend you're fine or you're ok and you're not offended, especially when your nails are starting to grow and curl with self-defence.

I do not know how to deal with people like that. I trust all my friends, to varying degrees, no doubt. The minimal is that I trust them to be comfortable with my presence and my free-to-air opinions and sarcastic wit. I trust that they would be forthright enough to tell me how they feel if they feel they are under attack. They've gotta tell me. If they don't and one day I find out how they really feel, it becomes a case of misplaced trust.

And really, trust is something that you can't fight for, can only earn; but once lost, you don't know if you'd ever earn it back.

I don't want to think any of my friends are smiling in front of me and rolling their eyes behind my back. Because if I find any like that, I know friendships, like love, can run out of its course and end too.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:37